Intentions.

Te amo, te amo, she says to me
I hear the pain in her voice
Then we dance underneath the candleabra, she takes the lead
That’s when I saw it in her eyes, it’s over

Then she said Te amo, then she put her hand around me waist
I told her no she cried Te amo
I told her I’m not gonna run away, but let me go
My soul has arrived, without asking why
I said Te amo, wish somebody would tell me what she said
Don’t it mean I love you
I think it means I love you
Don’t it mean I love you

It’s rather sad that on top of all the other things that are happening now, I can’t seem to get myself out of a particular situation. Don’t feel like getting into details, but I guess my vulnerability does seem inviting to some people after all..

Wondering if it’s ever possible to make friends with anyone anymore, and not get worried that I may actually be breaking a heart or two. Or for people to take it slow, and let it flow. Maybe there’s no need to rush, maybe the time will come when it’s right.

And honey, never give your soul to a bleeding heart, it will rip you apart..

A candle unblown.

Day 67 since the nightmare started.
Kuala Lumpur City.

“Never give what they want, darling. Only then will they learn to need.”

She came yesterday. At 1am. It had been three weeks since I last saw her.

“Baby I missed you. Are you gonna leave me? I will start working back soon, and everything is gonna be fine.. Have faith in me”, said she.
I stared blankly into the empty space, what else could I do right.
“I can’t do this waiting game anymore baby. It’s ripping my life apart.. I am really just not strong for this”, I have heard myself saying it too many times it seems to mean nothing now.
“No no I will stop taking the drugs. Just have faith in me. I am going for an interview at Company P tomorrow at 3pm. I will be okay once I get back to work. I just need to start working again, and everything will be fine. Please trust me. You still love me right baby? I really miss you. Don’t disappear anymore.. I promise I will be better.”

10am came.
She woke up.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning baby. I gotta rush now. Got something to do”, she said while walking so fast, trying to gather her stuff.
“Your interview is at 3pm right sweetie? Let’s just get ready from here. I will go with you, you never go to interviews alone.”
“No I have to go now, I’ll see you later ok baby?”, I could sense desperation from her tone.
“Please don’t go. I know where you are going to. Please. This is really breaking my heart”, almost begging.
“I need to go. Please. Open the door for me please”, she became all fidgety.
“NO! I don’t want you to go. I need you here. Don’t do this. How much longer do you want to live like this. Let’s go to the rehab again. Please..”, holding her hands, staring at her face, tears started streaming down my face. It bothers me seeing how easy it is to make me cry these days. I cry like a baby nowadays, take away my candy, I’ll cry, just like that.
“Please don’t cry… I am not thinking straight right now. It’s the drugs. We’ll talk about it tonight okay? I promise. I will be back tonight. You don’t have to go to the interview with me, just go for your meeting. I don’t want you to take a leave for me.”
“Are you really coming back tonight?” still sobbing.
“Of course I am. It’s my special day. Who else would I want to spend it with?”, she leaned forward and hugged me.
“Okay.. I’ll see you tonight. But I don’t want you to go now. Please go at 2pm later I will send you for the interview”, I was THAT desperate I realized.
“Oh my GOD. Please. I need to go now. The pusher is gonna leave if I don’t go now”, she sounded slightly irritated.
“NO!!!! I don’t want you to! I am not gonna open the door!”, I cried, holding the key behind my back. (what a classy act)
“Don’t do this PLEASEEEE. I need to go NOW”, she was annoyed.
“No way. You are not leaving!”, I muttered before walking off into the bedroom.
“Just open the door!”, she shouted.
“NO!!”, I shouted back, still sobbing.
“Don’t you think of what I feel? Do you even know how hard it has been–”, I cried – my heart amazed at the amount of self-pitying crap my silly mouth could say; wondering how much more embarrassment it would cause me.
“We’ll talk about it later. I can’t think right now!”, she cut me.
“No.. Don’t go..”, sobbing, hands still holding the key tight.
“Just open the door!!”, grabbing the key off my hands before heading to the door.
“NO!! Please don’t go! Please..”, I leaned my body against the door, trying to block it from opening – and the drama began. We started struggling – she, trying to open the door, and I, blocking and trying to keep it shut; (thankfully/ironically) it was working in my favour. The struggle continued on for a few LONG minutes, it felt like it was going on forever. And suddenly…

“HELP ME!!! Arghhhhh help me!!! I wanna go out!! Help me!! ARGHHHH!!! Someone’s locking me in the house, HELP ME!!”, she just started crying and screaming hysterically. It shocked me so much that my hands just let go off the door handle. But she just continued crying and screaming. I just froze; startled and confused. It’s one of those times when you know something is happening but your brain just can’t seem to register as to what it really is.

A few seconds passed – Oh gosh, my sister’s friend is gonna hear, she’s just next door. The doorman is gonna hear and he’s definitely gonna call the guards– these thoughts appeared in my head.
“Okay okay go… Go.. You can go, okay. Don’t cry. Please, my sister’s friend is next door, please don’t scream. You can go.. Shhh..”, hugging her, desperately trying to calm her down.

She got up as fast as she could, still crying and sobbing, and quickly opened the lock on the door.

And there I was on the floor – staring at her helplessly, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop her now. I have always known that there is simply no use of stopping her when she craves for the drugs; I just don’t know what I was thinking for being such an amateur this time, maybe I am slowly losing my mind.

“You are still coming back right baby?”, I quickly got up and held her hand, the door was now opened. Sobbing even harder. How could THAT still come out from my mouth after what just happened. What ever happened to self pride and a little bit of dignity. (note to potential lovers, I am not ALWAYS this desperate ok :p)
“Yes I will. I promise”, she turned, gave a quick kiss on my lips and ran. Yeah, she ran. She literally ran to the elevator. It completely broke my heart seeing her that way. Sad more about her than it was about me. It’s heartbreaking knowing she has fallen so deep into this dark hole and to see her losing every positive value she has one by one. What ever happened to that soft-spoken, respectful, shy, responsible person that I knew..

“How could she leave me crying alone behind..”, my body slid down against the door and slowly fell on the floor. I just continued crying, all the while trying to figure out what went wrong that things have become the way they are now. I had never felt this lost in my life.

It’s 5am now. October 15th 2009.
It’s her special day.

There on the table by the window facing the beautiful scenery of Kuala Lumpur City, stood a candle that would die melted on a birthday cake.
And a box, that would stay untouched, never to be unwrapped.

Happy 29th birthday baby..

What’s up, and what’s down.

Day 63 since the nightmare started.
Hotel F

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best, my very best
I set you free

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health, and more than wealth
I wish you love

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

Hello. My apology for the long silence. A lot has happened, there are just too many for me to share. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Things happened so fast, one after the other that I didn’t even have the time to let them sink in and register. It’s as if I was floating and stoned when they happened; I just lost track. So I am just gonna share you the now.

We are living separately now. I left.. Sad to say, she is still addicted. I did all I could, to get her the help she needs. But her addiction towards the drugs has outgrown other things that are supposed to matter. She needed more time, I desperately needed her to stop and move on to living a normal life. It was a painful step to take, it hasn’t been easy for me too. But as much as it hurts leaving the one you love, maybe it just had to be done. Maybe this is for the best, for the two of us. My prayers are always gonna be with her, I will never stop praying and believing – I hope she knows that.

I am really sorry for leaving, when you need me the most. I am sorry for disappearing and leaving you in the dark, when we promised to stick together through thicks and thins. I am just so sorry.. There’s nothing else that I could say.. Please take good care of yourself. Shed those tears, put a smile on your face. Remember the good times if you ever feel down. I never stop thinking of you too. It will get better. Don’t stop believing.

Love always.

When is enough, enough.

What would my mama do
If she knew ‘bout me and you?
What would my daddy say
If he saw me hurt this way?

I haven’t been behaving my best lately.
I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore.
Cause that fine line in between, it is fast fading.

Living Gia.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up, and breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Everyone saw the beauty. No one saw the pain.

You know that movie “Gia”?

It’s a movie based on a true story about a drug addicted lesbian model Gia Carangi, who fell in love with her makeup artist, and finally died of HIV at a very young age.

I am sure you do.

Gia was this successful model from New York City in the 80s, who was very much in love with her partner, Linda. However, drug addiction and emotional instability caused by her relationship with her narcissistic mother brought her to channel her frustration to drugs. Gia was a girl in pain, desperate for her mother’s approval and a drug addict on a tragic slide toward oblivion. After a while of keeping up with her drug use, Linda began to worry and gave Gia the ultimatum. Gia chose the drugs.

I think I am living it right now. It’s freaky how much in common our life stories share. Minus the boy, and the bit about me being a makeup artist . The rest is very much the same.

Gia finally managed to get herself out of her addiction. But it was too little too late. She contracted HIV and died at the age of 28.

Please pray us a better ending..

PS: Watch the video if you have time. It couldn’t get more real than that.

Cycle.

Day 30 since the nightmare started.

I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it’s wrong to love you
Then my heart just won’t let me be right

It’s the same cycle each time.

She’s here one day. And gone the other.
I choke on my breath each time she walks out that door. Knowing it’d be forever till I see her walking back in.

“I’ll come back for iftar with you baby. Say 7pm? I promise. Don’t worry okay, I will come back. You order the food first. I love you.” Kisses, before walking to the lift without looking back.

It’s been 4 iftars alone in the room. And she is still not back.

I know one of these days she will walk in that door. Wasted. Stoned. Looking like a zombie.

“Baby.. I haven’t slept for days. I am shaking. I don’t know what’s wrong with my body. Please help me. I am so weak. I think I am dying.“

And she will be in bed. Sleeping for days, waking up just to eat. Things start to shine brighter as time passes, she’s starting to get sober.

“Baby please don’t let me leave the hotel again. Please stop me from taking it. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to take it anymore. I don’t want to lose you. I want to have that future that we planned. I don’t want to die a drug addict. I am so sorry. I am so sorry I hurt you.” There are smiles on my face, staring into her eyes and I could feel the tears in mine, “I am always here baby. Don’t worry about me. You’ve got to think of yourself first. We will pull this through together. You have to be strong”, cuddling her all along.

Days pass by. I can see how much she tries to fight it. But sadly her days are mostly filled with her quarrelling with her mother, trying to satisfy that mean woman over petty things. It’s no excuse, but I know it adds to the stress she’s already had on her plate.

“Why wouldn’t she just be happy for me. Why wouldn’t she just love me?” she sobbed. A question I could never answer.

A text message comes to her mobile phone in between her breakdowns. “Hey where are you? We are at XXXX with the clan. You coming?” – that’s all it takes. And she will leave again.

“I will come back tonight, I promise.”

Distraction.

I am a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind?

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I need a distraction.

However way you may want to see it.
I need some distraction.
Like, now.

The best quote.

Stop and stare 
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere 
And I know that everyone gets scared 
But I’ve become what I can’t be 
Oh, do you see what I see…

Stop and stare 
You start to wonder why you’re here not there 
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair 
But fair ain’t what you really need 
Oh, can you see what I see?

“We cannot go back and start a new beginning, but we can start today and make a new ending.” by (you know who you are)

Counting seconds.

Day 18 since the nightmare started.
Living room, Suite 280x, Hotel X.

duhai cintaku, sayangku, lepaskanlah
perasaanmu, rindumu, seluruh cintamu
dan kini hanya ada aku dan dirimu
sesaat di keabadian

Things are very much complicated at the moment.
She is denying that she relapsed to her family, and friends. I know deep down they know she did. They just choose to ignore it. Which just means that I am the only one who acknowledges that she did. And being the only person whom she has admitted it to, besides her junkie friends; I know this is gonna be that much harder to deal with. Being the only person that knows the truth. To be the only one that cares.

I haven’t seen her since she was taken away by her mother. She called using his mother’s cell for a few minutes yesterday to ask whether I had eaten, and to tell that she won’t be able to come home anytime soon.

How am I coping it so far? Honestly, I am just so tired.. Of everything. Of thinking, of worrying, of crying, of feeling sorry, of hurting, of missing her, of everything. Physically and mentally tired. No tears left. But can’t seem to smile either. The room feels empty without her. I don’t know how to walk to the stalls without clinging around her arm. It feels weird to function when half of the equation is gone.

I decided to be outside of the bubble that this whole drama is in. And look from the outside. I won’t do anything to stop her. I’ll wait until she realizes that herself – if she ever will.

If it does happen, she knows where to find me. If it doesn’t, then maybe it’s just fated that way.

Aku dan dirimu.
You and me.

Am I ever ready.

Day 16 since the nightmare started.
123 Restaurant, Hotel X.

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best, my very best
I set you free

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health, and more than wealth
I wish you love

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

Things are at its worst.

She is still addicted.
And her mother has found out. And called me.

“You don’t have to worry about her anymore. You two are just friends, right? So it should be okay for you two to be apart. There are other friends.” I know deep inside she knows we are more than just friends. She just knows.

“It’s okay,  why do you need to give yourself headaches thinking about her? She will never change.”

“You just wait. I am gonna make her pack all her stuff and come back to stay with me. And the next time you hear from me, is when she’s in the institution.” Please don’t send her there. Please…

“You just carry on with your life. There’s no use thinking about someone who doesn’t value her own life. I am her mother, let me handle her. Why do you need to waste your life helping her, after all she is just a friend.

She still can’t let it go. She is still mad at me for being the reason her daughter turned down a wealthy someone’s marriage proposal. She’s still bitter that she can’t live the wealthy life that wealthy someone promised her, if her daughter were to marry him. I am not the reason, your daughter is just.. gay. (And excuse my language but the guy is an arsehole. I don’t find a reason why anyone should ever want to be with him.)

I am just so disappointed and angry. But I know there’s not much that I could do. So I am just gonna write an open letter to her mother, which I know won’t get anywhere near her, even after a billion years.

Dear Ms. R***ah: When are you ever gonna let it go and be happy that your daughter wanted to become a better person for a change? When are you ever gonna try to be there for her, besides when you need to use her for your benefits? When are you, being the only family member she has, ever gonna try to understand her situation. I don’t and will never expect you to accept her being gay, but maybe just a little understanding about what she might have felt, after all the chaos you have put her through in her life. I don’t need to say them all here, because people don’t need to know. But she has been through a lot, you know she has. I don’t know how she went through it all. I don’t know how she could swallow everything you said to her, and still be the obedient daughter that she is to you. If you were my mother, I think I would be dead by now. I would hang myself from an iron bar, or maybe jump off a building. When are you ever gonna realize that she has no one else but you. And me. You were never there. And you took her away from me.  She’s battling for her life with her addiction right now. She needs a reason to live. It’s sad but true. But she needs someone and something to look forward to.

Her mother has taken her away. Her phone is blocked and cancelled out. I don’t know what to expect. I am praying for the best, preparing for the worst..

Ramadhan Kareem.

Day 13 since the nightmare started. 2 days clean.
Mum’s house.

“Sometimes it doesn’t take a correct reason to do the correct thing.”

It’s finally here.

Fasting month is here. I waited for it. I had never been this excited about Ramadhan as I have these past few days. It somehow feels different this time around. Like I know that something good is going to happen. Like a new life is waiting to start. Like God is telling me to walk strong as He’s had something beautiful in store for me not far ahead. Praying helps. It’s true. You just found this happiness, strength and guidance through it. I don’t know how it’s gonna be. Whether she’s gonna be in it – but I am ready.

She has been clean since Thursday. It’s been two days. Things are improving. She’s down on the floor praying. It’s a start.. But it’s still a long journey ahead.

This won’t be a long entry as I am at my mum’s spending the first day of fasting month with the whole family. One huge family that I have. With nieces and nephews running around trying to get their “favorite aunt’s” attention (don’t give me too much credit, I am the only one that’s not married), I can’t spend too much time writing.

I will write more once I get back from my lovely hometown.

Is it just my family or do people cook lemang and rendang on every first of Ramadhan? All conflicts aside – Happiness is all around, and I wish you all the same.

Happy fasting.

PS: Thank you for all the lovely notes and support.. I never thought I’d find friends through here. It’s been a blessing. Thank you.

I don’t know.

Day 11 since the nightmare started.
On the bed. Suite 280x, Hotel X.

I want to escape what you’ve done to my life
I love the way that you’re always on my mind
It’s ok you’re not bad when you’re sane
I can’t help this pain that I feel

memyselfandi // August 20, 2009 at 12:17 am

hye, im a silent follower of you guys, so this might be so abrupt, but hang in there. but be truthful to yourselves at the same time too. stay because you want to, not because you have to. im not judging, just saying. but i wish both of you all the strength in the world to help you through this.

Someone left this comment on “Stoned Note No. 1” and it occurred to me that I may be giving signals that I am forced to stay here for her. Truth be told, I don’t know anymore. When you are in love with someone who’s addicted to drugs, you just start doing things differently. You start thinking differently. You don’t feel like a normal human being does. You get hurt when she leaves you alone for days so she could be doing the drugs without you having to see it but you learn to accept it, you get hurt when she doesn’t remember that today is the dinner for your job promotion but you let it go, you get hurt when she stood you up for a dinner date but you make yourself forget it, you get hurt when she turns you down for a movie night out but you don’t let it bother yourself. You tell yourself to stop being so weak when you are about to cry, you keep telling yourself that “it’s okay”. You just learn to swallow everything. I used to cry. I used to cry everyday, and it hurt. Of course it still does. But somehow it gets better for me, though in reality things are actually getting worse, I just start to hurt less, I guess my heart just becomes less fragile each day that passes by.

In the end, I become this tough cookie that cannot be broken by anything. She’s a lovely girl. But she’s missing now, she is gone. She’s been replaced by this emotionless demon who’s smoking this white smoke from a glass pipe. I am struggling to help her. But your good deed is not always welcome when you are dealing with someone that has a problem with addiction. Often, the person that tries to help is the one that’s being pushed away the most. It’s been hard, trying to be strong for her when all she does is pushing me away. So I just decided to be here and not bother her, be here and not be bothered, and hoping she’d get some sense into her head and realize it herself. But I don’t know how long my body and mind could take that.

We would cuddle, in the middle of the night and she would say bizarre things like, “Hey, do you know where your girlfriend is? She asked me to take care of you while she’s gone. She said she will come back soon.”, in the most adorable way, staring at my face before planting a quick kiss on my lips. And for a second I thought she was back, until I saw her lighting the glass pipe again 30 minutes later.

Or this one night when I was supposed to be sleeping, she was overheard talking to herself, “What are you doing to your life? Why are you ruining it and hurting everyone again. What is wrong with you?”, while her hand was busy lighting the chunk of Ice and inhaling it through a straw that’s connected to a bottle that’s filled with some water.

It worries me when she’s gone. I get traumatized whenever she needs to leave the hotel cause I know it would be days until I see her again. I swallow the pain of seeing her sitting on the floor smoking, destroying herself. I wish I could just get a baseball bat and knock some sense into her head, maybe she would listen.

All these things drive me crazy. Especially when I choose not to share this with our friends and family this time around. I am not ready to let them hurt. I am not ready to ruin the excitement, happiness and hope that they got when she stopped a year ago. I will try to face this alone, until I can’t. I write and share our dirty laundry here, not because I like to, but it’s because I need to. I will go crazy if I keep it alone to myself. Your little comments, are one of the few things that keep me going. Sad, but true.

I keep asking myself if I am strong enough to wait until she kicks the drugs out of her life. Whether I would be able to do what I did a year ago. Whether I could be strong for the both of us, which happens to be the hardest thing to do. Or would it get too much for me to bear and I just lose the battle before trying my hardest. I don’t know. I am not sure about a lot of things at this moment. All I know is that I want to be here, so that I can bring her back to life. It’s not gonna be an easy task to do, and I may slip somewhere along the way, but I will stand here. Until.. I don’t know.

Stoned Note No. 1

Day 10 since the nightmare started.
Balcony, Suite 280x, Hotel X.

It feels like living with a deaf-mute person when your girlfriend slash roommate is a crank stoner. She smiles when she’s happy, she smiles when she’s sad, she smiles when I speak, she smiles when I stare at her face trying to convey my disbeliefs over things she does. She smiles, but she doesn’t speak. And whenever I try a little harder to express my feelings by throwing a tantrum, she would try her hardest to utter “I’m sorry—” with the most emotionless tone and facial expression you’d ever have heard and seen, and then carrying on with whatever she was doing. Emotionless. That’s gotta be the word of the month.

But somehow in a bizarre twist of event, her world does a 180 degree turn when sleeping time comes. My sleeping time that is – she hasn’t been sleeping since she came home. Morning today, I found a note written by her in my phone, a super long one. She was pouring her heart out, covering every topic possible. It’s as if she was possessed by a writer-demon and just couldn’t stop typing. But it’s nothing new to me, I am familiar with these late night notes. I call them “Stoned Notes”. Notes that are written when someone is awake alone at night, high on some sort of drugs, and is extremely emotional. The ones that will get a normal person with a normal functioning brain go crazy when she/he reads it – if they are not aware of how a stoner’s brain works and take what’s written seriously. Anyway, here goes, our very first Stoned Note for this ordeal. Play the youtube video attached while reading them to intesify the drama and put you in the correct mood.

My lovely baby
I am sorry to put you through this again
After all that we’ve been through, the good and bad times
Leaving you will be really hard for me to bear (I like this one, very dramatic)

I love you so damn much
You are the only one that matters
But right now, I just don’t know how to show it to you
To show how much I am in love with you
You have helped me become a better person
You completely changed me
You changed my life..

But I suddenly became the old me again
I don’t know how it happened
I’M SO SORRY
I don’t know why
I don’t know how
I don’t know what I want
I am completely lost again
I hate myself
Why did I choose to do this again
When I know I have a bright future ahead of me
And people that love me and need me

I won’t blame you if you leave me
You’ve done your very best to guide me
I BLEW IT BABY
I deserve to be alone

You are a sweetheart
You are such a sweet person
You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life
You and I, we come from two different world

I love you so much!!! (suddenly)
But I have to let you go
You have suffered enough
You deserve someone who’s much better than me
You are still young baby
You have a really bright future ahead of you

Be with someone that can guide you
Be with someone that can become a role model for you
Be with someone that can lead you
Be with someone that gives you happiness
I’m nothing

I tried to be the perfect person for you
But I failed miserably
Don’t waste your time with me baby
I am an awful person
I am such a nightmare
Your life has become so miserable since we got together
I am so sorry baby
I love you!! (very inconsistent with the content, makes it difficult to summarize)

The note was written at 3.30am.
I got up from bed.
And there she was, smoking Ice and smiling. “Good morning—”, more smiles.

Ratings:
The paragraphs are not consistent with her content flow. She jumped from one content to another. And for that, I’ll give her a B+ for her very first Stoned Note. Needs more practice. But it’s understandable as it had been a year since she wrote her last one. Keep it up, girlfriend.

Just another phase of finding.

Day 9 since the nightmare started.
Swimming pool, Hotel X.

Don’t hold yourself like that
You’ll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that’s all I need
Don’t build your world around volcanoes melt you down

It’s been 9 days now.

9 days since she went missing – 2 days since she came back. 9 days since this hellish journey started. Things have not been the same since. Atmosphere in the hotel room is extremely intense that I tiptoe when I walk. We don’t speak like we normally do, nor do we act like we used to.

We would cuddle, saying words of love. But more often than not, it feels as if those words are coming from the room door. With that recorder-type voice. Emotion. Less.

Most noticeably, is the sight of her praying on the floor that has now been replaced by the sight of her sitting on the floor smoking that damn drug. Methamphetamine. Ice. Crank. Speed. Crystal. Whichever you prefer to call it.

I have gone crazy. But I have also come back on my feet. And I have made it known, where and when I would finally fall off the cliff.

It’s been 2 days in a row that the dealer comes to deliver to our hotel room. It gives me the chills that I actually smile each time he enters the door.

3 more days. Until Ramadhan. That’s where the limit is drawn. That’s how long she has, to figure out between life and lies.

To everyone that has been here through every single step of this ordeal, THANK YOU. You all are such angels. This has just started. I don’t know when it’s gonna end, one thing I am sure about is that this will be one very long and painful journey to endure. Hope to see you at the end line.

Relapse.

Time: 6pm. August 12th, 2009.
Location: Hotel X.

We’ll do it all, everything
On our own

We don’t need, anything
Or anyone

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Did you relapse. No… Please…

Tell me this is not happening again. You were strong.

How did this happen?

We went through hell to get to where we are now. Why did you relapse..

You were doing great. You were great.

I can’t help but blame myself for it. I am sorry I left you a lot.

I am sorry you were always alone. I am sorry I was always busy with my things.

I am sorry I was never there when you needed someone to listen to you.

I am sorry I was never there when you needed me.

I am sorry I forgot that you still needed me when I saw you getting stronger.

I am sorry I thought you were strong enough already to go through it on your own.

I am sorry..

Please don’t do this to yourself again. I am not strong enough to go through this one more time.

I have lost all the strength my body could offer the first time it happened.

Please don’t jeopardize everything that we have worked for.

Remember how great it felt for you to be close to your mum again?

For you to live the life you love, and being able to control your body and brain.

Remember how it felt like to gain respect from people again after all these years that have been wasted?

Did you relapse. God… Tell me this is not happening again. You were strong.

How did this happen? We went through hell to get to where we are now.

You were doing great. You were great. It had been a year since you stopped taking it. Why are you back on it.

I am sorry I thought you were strong enough already to go through it on your own. I am sorry I forgot that you still needed me when I saw you getting stronger. Don’t do this to yourself again. I am not strong enough to go through this the second time. I have lost all the strength my body could offer the first time it happened.

Please don’t jeopardize everything that we have worked for. Remember how great it felt for you to be close to your mum again? For you to live the life you love, and being able to control your body and brain. Remember how it felt like to gain respect from people again after all these years that had been wasted?

I am not gonna hate you that this is happening again. I know you can’t control it now. I know it’s out of your power to stop it now. I understand. Just please come back home safely. Stop avoiding us. Don’t be scared. You can do it in front of me if you have to. But don’t stray. Please don’t stray. We’ll fight for it together like we did before. I am here for you, bad or good times, I think you know me well enough to know that. Please stop hurting yourself. It hurts me. I haven’t been sleeping thinking of you. And your mum is worried too. Please don’t do this to us. Whatever it is you are going through, we’ll be here. If they won’t, I will. You know I will right?

Pray to God to get you out of there. To give you the strength you need. I have been praying for you. Please be safe. And come home. I don’t hate you. I am never going to. I need you more than you think.  We are really worried. We miss you.

I love you.